“Turn off the engine before fueling.”
That seems pretty basic. It’s the same sign I see at every gas station between here and bum-f#@! Egypt. (Not that I’ve been there, but I bet they’ve got the same damn signs.) I’m filling up my car with gas. My car has electronic stuff that sparks. Sparks and gasoline have a bunch in common with that vegan girl I dated in college; opposites don’t mix so well . (By the way … the girl may be long-gone, yet my affection for dead cow parts stuffed in between a bun is alive and well.) So why in the hell do I see people leaving their cars running while they’re filling up at the gas station every single time I stop by? People are stupid! (And that’s usually after I finish selling on Craigslist some of my mom’s stuffed bears from her Beanie Babies collection to afford half a tank. Those stupid bears were supposed to pay for my college education.).

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that folks are stupid. These are the same folks looking under their running lawn mower to see what’s making all that noise, or reaching their meat-hooks into the snow blower to check out what’s wrong with it when it stops blowing. (Hint: they make videos to help people with that problem.) But these screw-ups only hurt the stupid people. When it’s my ass on the line, I would like it if you knock off that stupidity, at least for about two minutes. Then you can go on your merry way … provided that I’m driving in the opposite direction.

It’s not like you hear about people rising like little two-legged Roman candles at the local Gas-No-Go every week, but I’m not up for taking my chances. I figure those warnings exist because it happened once to some sorry sad sack, and I ‘d really rather not join any other idiots looking for Darwin Awards.

People suck when they choose to leave their cars running when they’re filling. Why ? Because it’s too hard to remember how to flip the key off? Maybe it requires too much time? News flash: You’re gon na’ start your car 10 million times– unless you get your ass jailed for life for that 7th DUI– over the course of your sorry-ass life, so why not just do few thousand more times turning the key and pretend that people like you don’t suck. As much.

Naturally there’s always hope that folks like you will take care of the issue just by being yourselves. After all, I pretty much hate all people but I hate people that steal cars from people specifically like you a bit less than I hate people like you attempting to light my ass on fire while I stop by for a midnight beef jerky snack and orange juice. (Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.).

Go ahead. Keep leaving the car running while you’re at the pump. We’ll see how long it takes for someone different to decide they ‘d love to take advantage of your kindness by taking your fine ride for a little test drive down the street. Oh, and be sure to leave your purse and cell phone next to the passenger’s seat, so the police officer coming to visit you later has more “stolen” items to include in the report …