Hey, genius! Yeah, you. The one sitting smack-dab in front of me in the left-turn lane after cutting me off, meandering around in your luxury putz-mobile with the warm ass massager on full blast in 90-degree weather, making a case for other folks LIKE YOU to turn to road rage to make things all better. (Just in case you are still considering the possibilities, road rage doesn’t do a lot– unless you consider making our silly-ass smiles show up when they’re exhibiting your unseemly mug on the news afterwards. That? We like that.)

So let me get this straight:
Somehow you managed to land yourself a license three eons ago, back when driver’s training meant pointing out at least two times out of three where the gas and brake pedals are supposed to be. (Here is an useful hint! The pedal you were looking for is on the right, but we understand your confusion, because people suck in general and people like you suck in particular. So keep on sucking, buttercup.).

Now you are tooling around like a tourist, still having no idea how to work anything in the car. (Hmmm … can we invent a new term here: toolist? Hell’s yeah we can!) You remain in your own home community, planted behind the wheel of a car that multiplies in mass every time you press that lard bottom behind the driver’s seat. Jelly doughnut much, bro? And you know EXACTLY where you’re going. Captain of your ship, and all that shit– going for a breakfast muffin at two in the afternoon. (By the way … what about eating something the rest of call “lunch” some time?) Any who, here’s the newsflash, Einstein. The rest of us don’t have a clue where you’re attempting to get to. (Are we evil for wishing it’s a prostate exam?) How about you give us a hint, instead of playing peek-a-boo with that 4,000-pound boat you’re steering down both lanes?

You see, people are dumb. And if you’re giggling reading this, stop it. You’re stupid, too. Probably just a LITTLE BIT less stupid than the driver that we’re discussing. And he knows who he is. And he knows we know who he is. But that’s enough of that. Where were we? Oh yes, stupid people. You see, every single car has a little stick thing pointing out from what we will call the pointy steering wheel thing, keeping it simple because you probably failed second grade. Bump that stick thing up. Now push it down. Wow! It moves both ways, and then makes little clicky noises. That little marvel ranking up just under pizza rolls is something the rest of us like to call the “Turn Signal.”.

If any smart people existed on this planet, they would use this “Turn Signal” thing to let all the other people know on the road exactly where they’re going. By doing this, the rest of us would know what you’re attempting to do, without needing to sit beside your tubby bottom and shutting our eyes in terror while you … um … drive. If that’s what you call it. How about giving us a heads-up with that signal thing, so we’re not left presuming how the hell we can stay out of your way?

Now let’s talk about those “brake” things you seem to like riding like a pony. I hate people!