Congratulations pal. You actually own a cell phone. Just a hunch, but I bet you’re the first one in your family to buy one of those new-fangled inventions that EVERYBODY has now owned for, like, a decade now. But I figure your mom and dad are so proud. Their little baby boy owns a phone, and he’s just about figured out how to turn his wi-fi on. Off? That learning curve is a bit steeper even for folks that don’t suck. However you? You definitely fall in the people that suck category. If colleges offered a degree in the study of “suck,” you would be in line for a master’s degree. You’re probably stupid everywhere you go already, but you are totally reminding me why I dislike people so much right now, when you’re ass is planted right in front of me. And stop rocking back in your seat, too. That “smack” you’re hearing? That’s my knees you’re smacking. Over and over.

Why is your cell phone out in the middle of the movie theater, with you texting during the film anyway? Maybe you enjoy spending lots of money for a movie ticket, so that you can sit in the middle of the movie texting to your BFF that doesn’t really give a shit what you had for lunch today. (Let’s be sincere, here. I don’t care either, basically since I hate people.) It’s clear you simply don’t care … however the 20 other individuals that switched their phones off before the movie started do. (And for the other 30 people staring at your phones too, you people suck. You just don’t suck as much because you’re not sitting right in front of me now).

Do you have the attention span of a squirrel? Or is your A.D.D. so bad that you can’t stare at the big-ass screen before you for ten minutes before forgetting where you’re at? I would feel bad for you, but instead I feel bad for everybody else that needs to share the theater WITH you. You’re that guy that appears at the party, and everyone else leaves. The more time goes on I hate people more & more.

Did you miss the part before the show started where the words on the silver screen facing you said “TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!” before the movie started? Oh, wait. That’s right. You were that guy who walked in after the show began. Don’t even get me started about that one. You do realize that every movie has 20 minutes of trailers and commercials before the movie starts, and you still managed to stray into the cinema after the movie began. People are stupid. And if you haven’t ever been to a theater to see a show before in your life, don’t you think this one deserves your attention?

So how about this ? Turn off the phone, shut up and watch the show that a few other people in the theater actually want to watch. After that, when the lights go back on you can step outside into the bright light, blink like a deer in the middle of the road, then totter over to your car where you will probably start texting some more– while you’re driving away. Deer suck too, but I hope they’ve at least lucky enough to stay out of your way.