So. Damn. Confusing. We feel for you. Two pedals between that gap in the floorboard to choose from in that rolling piece of shit which was a brand new car when Reagan was making threats to blow the Commies off the globe– a mental picture none of us should ever picture again in our life time– and you’re just baffled. (We know there is no way in hell you’ve got a stick; just counting that high is challenging enough for people who are stupid, and shifting a manual transmission is something bordering on brain surgery for people like you.).

It’s easy to understand. You cannot decide which pedal to press. You love them both so much when you’re sitting behind the steering wheel. All people are stupid, but it looks like you are out to prove the point by driving down the road using the wrong pedal for miles. (Hint: that’s the big pedal where your feet are which makes the car STOP.) Trust me on this one. You don’t have to keep your Croc on the brake for 30 miles. We all get it when you’re aiming to slow down, but riding the brake doesn’t help one bit. Unless you like seeing middle fingers pointed right your way. (This time it’s only one finger, so hopefully even you can work out that kind of sign language pointed towards your ugly mug.).

Confused yet? It gets more complicated. If you’re trying to win the “People are Stupid” race, you’re right at the front of the pack, my friend. Remember those pedals we talked earlier? Well, it appears there are two. (Need help counting? Go ahead. Pull those Crocs off, so you can count on your toes, too. I’ll wait.).

Ready to carry on, or do you need to take a nap to keep up with the conversation? Ok. Moving on … that one pedal we discussed makes the car stop. Difficult, huh? But wait, there’s more. That OTHER pedal? That’s the one you use to go faster. If you’re uncertain how to determine when you’re going faster (you know, going from 25 mph to 35 mph in a 55 mph zone), you might have to turn up the radio to hear over your open windows. Yeah, the ones that use a crank. If you had what the rest of us call “air conditioning” this wouldn’t be a choice, so maybe the rest of the people who suck on this planet should be glad you’re not an early adopter. (Incidentally … all people suck. Lucky for you, if you’re reading this rant, you suck a bit less. But we still don’t really like you. Get a life! Do you really require us to validate your life?).

Bottom line? And we’ll try and use teensy, tiny words here so you can keep up: Speed the F#@$! up. Please push the “GAS” pedal a bit faster when you see a pileup of 30 cars all clogged behind your “Driving Miss Daisy” loving ass. And quit riding the F@#$%ING! brakes unless you’re attempting to slow down. Get it? Of course not. We understand better … so did I mention I hate people?